STORY BY

Fran Dresmann

Nothing prepares you for the first time you’re standing in the canned foods aisle watching in horror (along with PERFECT STRANGERS—and their perfect babies) as your angelic toddler morphs into a kicking, screeching stunt double for the “Bad-Seed.”

At that moment, it’s impossible to remember that this is just a “normal stage” of child development, that your real child will reappear, and that you are not a bad parent.

"Tantrums—intense emotional outbursts, characterized by crying or screaming, physical flailing and sometimes aggressive behavior—are like emotional storms," says Cathy Guttentag, PhD, assistant professor of pediatrics at the Children's Learning Institute at The University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston.

"They occur most often between the ages of 18 months to three years, when children don’t understand the reasons for limits, are still learning to communicate with words, and have run out of, or have not yet developed, more adaptive coping skills to deal with emotional or behavioral challenges," she says. Words like "no," “stop" or "not now" become triggers for behavior that sent Sigourney Weaver back into deep space.

"When children have tantrums, it usually means they've reached the 'end of their rope' and are feeling emotionally overwhelmed," Guttentag says. “You can't prevent all tantrums, because young children are developing and they are going to get frustrated.”

She says that tantrums involve a lot of intensity and we parents can be intimidated by it. “Sometimes our first impulse is to try and stop it, either by giving in to the child or by using physical or verbal force—not the most effective responses."

Don't panic, don't punish

What a child needs most when he feels overwhelmed is calm, consistency and empathy, Guttentag explains. "At that point, he can’t be reasoned with, and, while he needs to have limits set on behavior, he also needs some understanding about his feelings of distress and frustration.”

It’s okay, she says, for your child to go ahead and have the tantrum. As long as he is in a safe place and isn't hurting any person or thing, let him flail and scream for several minutes until he calms down.

Tantrums express upset and there’s no reason to punish a child for having a tantrum. Of course, if a child is being aggressive toward someone or destroying something, Guttentag says, “the parent needs to have a firm and prompt intervention that communicates clearly, ‘No, you may not do that!’”

That intervention might be removing objects the child is trying to throw, holding his hands so he cannot scratch or hit, or taking him to a quieter location. A parent might also say to him, 'No hitting' or 'You may not throw things,' but smacking or shouting at the child is likely to make the situation worse.

“Tantrums are all about control," says Sarah, a mother of a 2-year-old, "so losing your control by spanking or yelling doesn't work. It might shock them for a second, but it usually just confuses and upsets them—and perpetuates the tantrum."

Guttentag does not necessarily recommend separating or isolating a child having a tantrum, although it may be helpful if going to "time out" or sitting in a designated place is a ritual that calms him down.

Be calm and be there

Offering your toddler an alternative choice may help him accept the limits you have set.  For example, Guttentag suggests redirecting her attention by introducing a different toy or a task she can help you with. "If she rejects these, she may not be ready to settle down yet," she says.

Some children like and need to be held in order to calm down, while others do not want to be touched until they have calmed themselves first, Guttentag explains.

"When a child is in the midst of an angry tantrum and hasn't been responsive to redirection or alternative choices," she says, "you need to just let the child go ahead and be upset for a little while.” Even though it feels like they last forever, most tantrums don't last more than a few minutes if the parents stay calm and consistent.

"Calmly continue what you are doing, but periodically 'check in' to provide some reassurance. Just having the parent close by—even if you are giving him no attention—lets your child know you are there for support when he is ready, and that you haven't rejected him for being out of control.

"It may not end the tantrum," she says, "but it shows him that even though you can’t give him what he wants at the moment, you understand and care. It’s good to offer a simple reason for the limit, such as 'it's not safe.' Your child may not care at the moment, but it's much better behavior to model than banishing him to his room with the 'come back when you're ready to be perfect' approach."

The other important thing, she adds, is to be there for the child when it's over. "With little ones, a hug and a new activity will suffice. For older children, you can talk about what happened, how they felt, why you set the limit and what you both might do next time to solve the problem differently."

Don’t give in,
Don’t take it personally

“Giving in” to your child’s tantrum may seem like the easiest thing to do, especially if you’re in a public situation, but it just promotes negative behavior, Guttentag says.

Don't engage in a guilt trip either, she cautions. "Today's parents lead hectic lives, and they may feel guilty about having to work and not spending more time with their child, so when the child is upset they are tempted to give in. But this response teaches the child that all she has to do to get her way is to throw a tantrum—and makes setting limits that much harder the next time."

When a tantrum happens in a public situation, Guttentag urges parents not to give up on what they need to get done. She suggests that you continue grocery shopping even if she is crying because it simply isn’t always realistic to just leave your groceries and take the child home. “You might take him for a ‘time out’ in the ladies' room,” she says.

And forget about what others are thinking as they watch the behavioral fireworks. “Most people are very sympathetic and understand that young children don't always behave perfectly."

Above all, she says, don't take your child's tantrums personally. “This isn't a reflection on you or your parenting skills; this is part of being a kid. It's a stage in his learning of how to navigate his world and modulate his emotions. If you can remember this, you will be able to remain the calm and caring parent he needs."

Ounce of prevention worth
Pound of petulance

Tantrums often occur because a child is tired, hungry, over-stimulated, out of her normal routine, or in a situation that puts more coping demands on her emotionally and behaviorally. "Usually, if you pay attention to and meet these basic, underlying needs, you will head off trouble,” she says.

Sometimes, when you see your child about to spin out of control, suggest a calming activity, like reading a book. Just snuggling with a favorite stuffed animal or blanket can help prevent a tantrum.

“Since control is the issue, giving your child choices is one of the best ways to deflect tantrums." says Guttentag. "She will feel in control instead of powerless. But make sure that the choices you offer fit within your limits. For example, 'It's cold out today, so you need to wear long pants. Do you want to wear your red or blue pants?'”

Unrealistic adult expectations, such as expecting a 2-year-old to sit still for a long time, frustrate children and can cause a tantrum. Just saying “no”, “don't touch”, “sit down” or “be quiet” usually won't work. Guttentag suggests you talk with him ahead of time about how he needs to act in a new situation, and bring along something he can do quietly by himself or with you.

When children are a little older, she says, they may use tantrum-like behavior to manipulate you. “They aren't out of control, but are trying to get a rise out of you, so the best way to handle it is to ignore it and don't take the bait. Remind him of the kind of behavior you expect, and then say something like, ‘When you can talk to me in a calm voice, I'll be glad to listen.'"

Model parenting

“Coping skills and handling emotions are skills children have to be taught,” Guttentag says. “You can teach him how to say what he is feeling and what he wants politely, and to ask for help instead of getting angry when he is frustrated. Do this as part of your everyday interactions, and as situations arise, these more mature skills will become comfortable and automatic for children to use when something is bothering them."

Preschool children, Guttentag says, can be taught negotiation, problem solving and flexible thinking skills. "It keeps them from getting stuck in being out of control," she says. "When your child can't have or do something she wants, talk about what alternatives might be available. When children start to realize that there are other ways to solve problems, they can stay more calm and flexible because they know inside there's a way their needs can be met," she says.

By age four, the number of tantrums usually decreases. However, tantrum-free years may take longer for children who are particularly strong-willed, have poor self-regulation skills, or have learning or developmental delays. Children with autism, attention deficit disorder and language delays fall into this category, as do children who come from chaotic or troubled households where those mature behavior skills have not been modeled.

When to worry

When should you worry? Guttentag says that if by age four, your child continues to throw severe tantrums, is unhappy, negative, angry and stubborn much of the time, or is engaging in self-abuse behaviors like biting himself or hitting his head, you should think about having him evaluated. Often, children who have more intense and prolonged tantrums that persist past the toddler years have other issues that should be addressed.

At the same time, she reminds parents not to overreact to their children's tantrums. "The more anxious, emotional or angry the parent is, the more anxiety it provokes in the child. If it's really hard for you to handle them, get help from a pediatrician or child psychologist.” Reassurance from other parents can be helpful as well, when you hear that other parents have been through similar struggles.

Eventually, for most children, the storms of the toddler years calm down.  But don't get too comfortable, because in a few short years, your toddler will be a teenager. "Developmentally, teens are struggling between the desire to be independent and the reality of being dependent," Guttentag says. "Like their younger selves, they want to do more things by and for themselves, but they don't have all the skills or maturity."

Hopefully, if you've modeled good coping and communication skills, both of you will be able to weather this next important stage of child development.

Musings from the Experts: Other Parents

"My first reaction was surprise and then, 'Oh! This is a tantrum.'  I went into reaction mode; zeroing in to make sure she wasn't hurt, but at the same time thinking 'this can't be happening.'" —Maria

"We have a brand new baby and are sympathetic to what an adjustment it is for our 2-year-old, Matt. Nevertheless, it was upsetting to see him get so out of control when my husband went out one evening after dinner. When I told Matt he couldn't sit in the baby's bouncy chair, it was the last straw, I guess. He lost it and started throwing the baby's blankets and stuffed animals, and had a major meltdown. So did I." —Sarah

"After my initial surprise, I went into my mental mother's Rolodex to find a way to deal with it; maybe I can redirect them. One thing I know doesn't work, from personal experience, is trying to reason them out of it. What a joke.” —Joan

“I get frustrated and exasperated; it’s hard not to take it personally. The best thing is to stay calm and don’t let my own emotions escalate. Sometimes I just have to walk away.”
—Ramona

"About 98 percent of my children's tantrums are not about getting their way, but more about their being hungry, tired or just needing some attention." —Carrie

“I learned very quickly that in their toddler years, it was about fatigue and emotional bursts. Later, I learned it was about control. Either way, I decided my job was to first, keep them safe from themselves, and second, stand by calmly, no matter how embarrassed I was!” —Donna

 

 

Last Updated: 7-29-2009

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